Ingrid’s Own Obituary

Ingrid Pitt’s own, self-penned obituary, written for an American newspaper.
ingrid-pitt-coffinIngrid Pitt was destined for great things. A brilliant and innovative surgeon who never-the-less found time to work among the poor and needy. Always in the forefront of the war against disease and disability she pioneered a revolutionary micro-surgical technique to bring a higher incidence of survival to patients suffering cardiac problems.During the hostilities in VietNam Ingrid insisted on joining the front line soldiers in the jungle to study the diseases endemic in the area. Although suffering from malaria and a particularly malignant form of foot rot, she managed to isolate the microbe that was causing most of the problems. In spite of the conditions she set up a field laboratory and within a few weeks developed an antiseptic powder that cured most of the jungle bred infections immediately. The grateful soldiers named it Pittcum Powder.Captured by the Vietnamese she was tortured for three months but refused to give away the secret ingredients of the efficacious powder. Although tied hand and foot and kept in a cage submerged in a river, she managed to gnaw a hole in one of the bamboo poles and breathe through this for weeks until the bindings rotted and she was able to escape. After several months in the jungle where she encountered a number of Vietnamese patrols and beat them off with a form of Karate taught her by friendly villagers. She made it back to a military post where unfortunately she was wounded by friendly fire by a sentry who mistook her for a raiding party.

Back in England she was determined to put to good use the lessons she had learned in the east and decided to become a lawyer. After only a year the Law Lords decided she had such a dazzling aptitude for advocacy that she was abbeycalled to the Bar although still only 22 years of age.

Her main work was with the victims of crimes but she also took on a number of high profile prosecution cases and was responsible for many clever and powerful criminals facing the full majesty of the law. A year later she was offered Silk. She turned it down. She felt that the pressures and demands of a Queen’s Counsel would interfere with her pro-bono work with the poor.

Because of the many contacts she had in the underworld, Ingrid was approached by Scotland Yard to help them in their ongoing fight against the drug barons. Reluctantly she agreed but insisted that this must not interfere with her charity work.

She went undercover and was soon a recognised figure on the drug scene in London. She risked her health by living the life style of those around her but was careful not to inhale. After a meeting with a Columbian Poppy Baron she extended her investigation to South America. There she was able to destroy billions of dollars worth of poppies with one application of her famous foot powder.

Her undercover work had introduced her to the heartache of the weak and vulnerable who were preyed upon by the pimps, pushers and politicians. She realised that there was little she could do working undercover so decided to go for the big scene and enter Parliament. She stood as an Independent – Independent in Maggie Thatcher’s old constituency of Finchley. Such was her eloquence and charisma that after only a two week campaign she won a landslide victory and entered the Commons to standing ovations from all members of the House.

Her campaign to cleanse public office of sleaze was not always possible but she persevered and before the end of the year had ousted all perpetrators of malpractice in public life. Unfortunately this so reduced the members still admitted to the House that at times it was impossible to rustle up a quorum to vote on issues of vital importance. For a while Ingrid ran the government single handedly and many of the reforms which we benefit from to this day were brought in by her.

At the age of 29 Ingrid withdrew from public life and concentrated on writing. Ingrid wrote several books on philosophy that have become standard reading in schools and Universities worldwide. One of her big disappointments was that none of the 43 novels she wrote made it to the top of the International Best Sellers list although the majority of them made it into the top ten.

To relax she painted masterful oils that have been accepted in art galleries and museums in every capital of the world and have spawned a new school of painting – Pittism.

At the age of 40 Ingrid qualified as a pilot. For the next ten years she flew with the Red Arrows Aerobatic Display Team and became the longest serving member of the flight. The famous Ingrid Bunt & Loop – and of course the Pitt Really Special – were named in her honour. On several occasions when the military were having trouble with their secret aircraft, Ingrid was called in to test their flying capabilities and sort out the problems.

Ingrid was often rumoured to be connected with rich, powerful and famous men – but they were mostly uncles or platonic friends and she stayed faithful in her marriage which lasted 54 years.

Two days before her 100 birthday, she played 5 sets of tennis with world champion Randy Semola and was narrowly beaten in the fifth after 9 set points. That night, after attending her great grand daughter’s Hen Party, she died in her sleep. She did not live to see the impact on humanity that her last invention, the Anti-gravity Zimmer-frame, had. Her last words were, “Where did I put my teeth?”

Ingrid Pitt had an unquenchable lust for life and her energy could have become a great source of benefit for the world.

Unfortunately, although this could have been her life, she became an actress.

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